Thursday, February 28, 2013

why it's important to luxuriate

(this is in reference to the video i posted two posts back)



recently i have been stressed about a multitude of things. school is always a struggle and then there is personal life struggles to get in the way. sometimes the only way to feel better is to

(parks and recreation reference)

now treating yourself, doesn't have to come in the form of buying things, but rather taking the time out of your day to "luxuriate." to make your self feel worth it. to feel special. this may seem overrated but you cannot judge it until you try. take an extra long shower. go to bed a bit earlier so you can get up earlier and pamper yourself before work or school. personally, i like to allow myself enough time to pick out a nice outfit and do my makeup. if doing your makeup is a hassle and annoyance, dont do it!! i love putting makeup on, which is why i make sure i have time to do it. there is something so relaxing about it. suddenly all of my problems drift away while i pat on my creamy eye shadow. i probably sound extremely superficial right now but you've got to trust me on this. im not falling into the stereotype of a girl who cant walk out of the house without a layer of makeup packed on. ive got anough confidence and pride to walk out in sweatpants a sweatshirt and not an ounce of makeup. the point is not to impress others or present myself a certain way. its all for me. it makes me happy. it calms me. 
at night, ive created a routine for myself. i wash my face, i take my makeup off with a nice makeup remover that i treated myself to, i use a rose-scented toner to refresh my face and i lather on a thick and creamy lotion to cuddle my face as i fall asleep. routines give comfort in the sense that nothing is going to change unless you want it to. its something you can depend on. 

the point of all of my rambling was to let you guys know that it is important to take time out of your day to TREAT YO SELF. you need to give your body what it deserves. do something that will allow you to forget about everything else, even if it is only for a few minutes. 

i love you all <3

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

being nice

right now i am very frustrated with school. for some odd reason, i constantly find myself asking the question "why can't you just be nice?" i ask myself this question and think to myself what could possibly give someone the urge to be out right mean. thus far i have failed to come up with a plausible reason, so for right now i will go with some possibilities that may make you laugh:

1) they really have to go to the bathroom and everyone knows that going to the bathroom in school sucks
2) they are really sweaty and smelly from that horrific 20 minute run in gym class
3) they really like your outfit but instead of just complimenting it, the more rational thing to do would be to say something mean
4) they walked out of the house with a little bit of toothpaste on the edge of their mouth and their best friend pointed it out to them as they were walking into school
5) the lunch room did not have their favorite type of chips

as you can see, these possibilities are just ridiculous. although these may not actually be the motivations behind someone's rudeness, being mean for no apparent reason is just as ridiculous.

the moral of the story: you never know what someone is going through on a day to day basis and what struggles they have had to overcome/are overcoming. mean actions and rude behavior is completely unnecessary. i feel so stupid writing this blog post because i seems as if i am teaching children how to be nice to each other, yet everything im saying is true. i guess some high schoolers never learned adequate social skills in elementary school when the rest of us did. 

they may be the smartest, prettiest, most athletic person in the whole school but they could also be the meanest. when it comes down to it, after high school, no one is going to care whether or not you got an a in ap us history, or whether or not you were the star of the lacrosse team. what matters is your social skills and your ability to connect to other human beings.












***i do not own these pictures***

i hope those of you who have been bullied like myself can take something away from this.. maybe a good laugh (although now that i look back on this it wasnt very funny) or just some comfort to know that you are not alone 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

where have i been?


yes... i think i could earn the most inconsistent blogger of the year award. winter break is coming up which means more time though!! i have some ideas for upcoming posts, but finding time to do fashion shoots and things of that sort is difficult. in lieu of a philosophical post about OCD and life in general, i have decided to just post some pictures from the past month or so showing what i have been up to.


found in my math notes


gluten free cupcakes for my birthday


half eaten pumpkin macaron and waiting to be eaten red velvet macaron


guava... yum.


flower headbands i made for halloween- my friend and i dressed as flower children


new pens i ordered from muji


typical study buddy begging for food that i snuck upstairs


family trip to california


black friday shopping with my younger sister


green tea latte


my first pair of doc martens


and coffee to keep me awake


Sunday, October 14, 2012

personal essay


yes i know it is long, but if you would like to read it here it is :)

My stomach twists tighter like a shirt twirling up about to be tie-dyed. I sew my eyes shut and words circulate like debris from the back of my brain around to my eyes. “Have a safe flight.” “Drive safely.” “I love you.” “God bless you.”
All of my life I have relied on these sayings to protect me from any sort of evil that may come my way. I have no reasonable explanation of where these phrases originated from, other than to blame my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In order to complete these sentences, I have to combat the evil creature making a home inside of my brain. I can’t write out the word God. I’m not allowed to write out the word God- or so my OCD chants to me. Here I am to tell my OCD, “Why yes, I can write out the word God, then crumple up the paper and toss it in the trash.”

* * *

She sits at the computer, her eyes wandering around the room, stalking the air. She cannot divert her eyes from the invisible nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide and other gases that compose her prey. She has to write about something because she hasn’t blogged in a month. Her blog is on her mind at all times but she can’t write just any blog. It has to capture her fascination with fashion and OCD perfectly. An hour later. In one hour she could have sent an important postcard, baked a cake, played a game. In this hour, she did nothing. She sat, sedentary in a dull, grey office chair doing nothing. She physically could not get herself to post another blog for fear that it wouldn’t be perfect.
[I have failed to defeat my OCD. I was successful at being able to leave the house for a sleepover, but I have failed at writing out the experience. The fear that this journal is going to be graded haunts me. It has to be perfect. It must be perfect. I have no other choice. And so, I procrastinate. Perfection is the only option. Aware that my journal may not be perfect prevents me from actually writing it.]
I’m sick. My stomach is the debris in a tornado beginning at my esophagus and twisting through to my intestines. I feel the slightest bit nauseous, so my anxiety about throwing up convinces me that I will throw up. A knife is thrust into my stomach from the forceful hands of the wind. Suddenly, my palms are weeping the tears of the tornado victims- being one of the few 0.1% to experience an F5 tornado (R). My fingers tremble and crash like the branches of a young tree. My body freezes from the chill of the absent sun and I fear the worst. I’m not going to throw up but my brain- my OCD- tells me I am. All because of my fear of failure. This journal must be perfect. I experience so much success but I cannot be rewarded by writing about my accomplishments. I let my OCD sneak up inside of me, like a tornado gone unnoticed on a radar. I write because I have no choice. I’ve already wasted days procrastinating, researching OCD stories, trying to figure out if my struggles are truly OCD- they are. I rely on my typical procrastination route- makeup tutorials on YouTube. Somehow, staring blankly these so called “beauty gurus” calms me down. It’s contradictory yet after reading other stories about OCD, I find that my symptoms are so common. Who would have thought that perfectionism and procrastination conspire together? I take a break and my shaky hands pounce from the keyboard. I realize I am not actually sick. My stomach ache was purely caused by my OCD. I am sure this is the truth. Looking up at the blinding white word document, I see a page full of letters. Not just letters, but words. And not just words, but sentences- coherent sentences. The page has become a collage of black and white. Eliminating the negative white space, I can focus on the words. My words. My stomach calms and the sun leaps from behind the clouds as my “fever” subsides. The throbbing inside of my skull slowly begins to decelerate and I have succeeded.
Words materialize on the new blog post.  A picture of a model appears and memories flash through her mind. Her fingers type endlessly and the insignificant white arrow glides over the “post” button. It’s out of her hands now. She has no control over whether or not people will judge her based on her own experiences and opinions. She has set herself free. Some may agree, while others may ridicule, and some may not ever be enlightened. She offered what she held, and what she held has been taken. It’s not hers anymore, it belongs to the thread of fashion blogs that simultaneously post an array of pictures accompanied by words. Meaningful words and meaningless words all upon the same seam of blogs.
[Nobody understands and everyone is judging me. I am the only person in this entire universe with my type of OCD. Rituals to protect my mom. Rituals to protect myself. Rituals to protect my family. Rituals to “get an ‘A’.”]
I’m sitting in my seat and I mask myself in a confidence that not only fools my peers but myself as well. I’ve told myself how confident I was my entire life, not thinking I could be anything else. It was the identity I created for myself. The identity I thought I created for myself. I stare blankly at my past journal wondering what a confident person would say next.
“I guess I’ll go.”
All eyes are drilled onto me, and suddenly I’m the egg shell floating in a glass of Diet Coke. The vinegar is destroying my structure (R). Students are staring blankly at the science experiment.
“What’s going to happen next?” They all wonder.
I’m slowly disappearing, my strong confidence, the confidence that held me together was breaking apart and only I was aware of the damage.
The Coke has beaten what was left of the fragile shell to a pulp and I’m left in my seat. Still in plain sight of the students who are staring with empty eyes.
I can feel my heart slip down to the basement of my stomach and words begin to drip from my lips. The echo of my words whispers back into my ear and I realize it’s no use. I am talking about something so personal to me, that nobody understands. How can I explain it confidently as students just stare at me blankly and form hypotheses?
I know I’m the only one and there’s no use trying to even explain it. I sweep it off of my shoulder like it’s really not a big deal.
“Yeah, I mean I really don’t have to repeat certain sayings before I go to bed at night. And yeah, I don’t have to tap my feet repeatedly until it feels right.”
“Feels right?”
“Yeah, never mind.”
They won’t understand.


[Cleaning up from paint the town wasn’t as bad as I expected. I got to talk with some of my friends while joking around with my French teacher who surprisingly exists on the weekends.]
My friends and I began talking about an assignment that we had yet to write. A senior was wondering what our topics were and I dreaded the question.
“So what’s your topic?”
Pretending to be the nonexistent eggshell, I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle when I told her my topic.
“Haha… I don’t know... like OCD or something.”
And finally the clouds dispersed. I could feel the sun’s net beneath me, I wasn’t going to fall. Previously an uneasy flounder latched onto the hook determining life or death- now confident and swimming through the sea.
“Oh my God! I have OCD too!”
I was expecting rain but the forecast was wrong today. I am not the only kid with OCD.


[Finally, I stepped out of the cave where I was chained, only seeing what was in front of me.  As Socrates explained, I realized that people exist beyond my line of vision (R). Although some may act as if they don’t know what I’m talking about, or say they don’t know what I’m talking about, there is a good possibility that they do. There are actually souls and minds hidden behind the shadows that Northbrook casts. I have fallen under the stigma of thinking that OCD is abnormal and “weird,” just like most of the world has. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize this simple fact. I am not the only one. We can all discover that although we may seem out of place, we are not. Humanity is composed of identical minds hidden beneath different faces and the stigmas of a culture.]

* * *

She sits at the computer again, this time knowing what to write about but forbidden to write. Not forbidden by an outside force, but the force of the OCD within her. She wants to write out the word “god,” not capitalized and written in full. She worries and decides to write a blog post about something else. She retreats to a meaningless post about a quote she liked. Nothing personal, nothing of her own. Just a mere breakdown of a quote orated by an unknown leader, onto a distant crowd.
[Later that day, I decided to conquer a compulsive action of mine. It was necessary for me to move on.]
Lifeless skin cells drifted from my fingertips onto the matte black keyboard. My nails shoveled into frail sheets of skin- I should be stronger than this illness, but I’m not. This piece of paper could not be thrown out. This piece of paper had to be thrown out. I took a Post-It note and… paused… I procrastinated… I plucked my translucent cuticles again…I had to continue. I wrote out the word G-O-D. I threw it out. My heart sank, like a ball during free fall, with an acceleration of 9.8 meters per second per second(R). My stomach is being pinched by my conscience. Did I just curse my family? This is not related to my religious views and opinions. My OCD preaches to me that the word “God” can save my family.
[OCD is the most powerful source that one has control over. A corrupt leader, a demanding parent, and an unreasonable teacher: one cannot control. OCD is an internal force that permits plenty of opportunities to defeat. However, people suffering from this power give up with defeating it. “It is more powerful than me,” many of us say. This power is no more forceful than a rushing stream.  It may take some help from others, but combating the effects is possible.]

Blog post: Friday May 18, 2012
Welcome to my new blog! In this blog, you will be able to find fashion and design inspirations as well as advice through anecdotes. This blog is ideal for teens with a love for fashion, a history of OCD, or someone who just wants to escape reality for a few moments and drift into your "happy place." I hope you find this blog helpful to take some stress out of your lives and relax a bit. As for myself, I have grown up with OCD and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Whenever I am in times of stress whether it be from OCD, anxiety or school, fashion and design are my escapes. Through different aspects of design and creativity I find myself able to divert my attention from my worries. I hope you enjoy!
Love,
Maddy

* * *

[The world is a place with many forces directed at many different targets. Everyone is responsible to determine how they are going to combat or escape the negative forces received. Some may not even try to defeat the force, while others may completely eliminate the force. We are billions of people with all different meanings for the same words, same actions. If we could let go of our control, and focus on the positive- the forces would disperse. Maintaining control is not always a sign of strength. The strongest people are able to release their control and still maintain power.]

Sunday, August 19, 2012

security bracelets



once upon a time there was a bracelet.

this year i decided to make a pact with myself. i decided that i could only wear my beaded evil eye bracelet if i stopped repeating some sayings that my ocd told me to say. this may be a bit confusing if you are unfamiliar with the evil creature called ocd- so i will do my best to explain. under the spell of ocd, i believe that by saying certain things, bad things will not happen to me or my loved ones. caught in between the disease and my rational brain i came up with a solution. im wearing my two evil eye bracelets with some ocd still kickin' inside of me. in my mind i think that by wearing these bracelets bad things will not happen to me or my loved ones- just like the effect of my wacko sayings. my decision was to wear the bracelets and give up my wacky sayings. so far so good! wearing these bracelets gives me just the right amount of comfort i need without needing to repeat some phrases that supposedly warded off evil.
for a while i was only wearing the beaded evil eye bracelet that you see in this picture. then i decided to pick up the little jewled evil eye so that my beaded bracelet could have a buddy. soon after, my friend and i were out shopping and picked up the cute brown beaded bracelet as a friendship bracelet. i thought that was a really good idea because we both live far away from eachother and i'll "see" her everyday when i look down at my wrist. the little blue and purple bracelet you see is actually made from braces! (new ones of course.) the link to the website is here. i think they are such a cute idea!! i went to a pre-college program this summer and my roommate was sporting one. i fell in love with the bracelet so i ordered one of my own- also acting as a way to rememeber my roommate :) and finally- my watch is by the brand 'marc by marc jacobs'. it's rose gold with white accents and i love it so so so much. it gives just the right amount of pop to my collection of love and security.

Monday, August 13, 2012

new backpack!


sooo unfortunately school is starting just around the corner even though we'd all like to believe we still have a few more weeks. to make the start of school a bit more exciting i always like to get fresh new school supplies or something a little more special like a backpack. having a new, cool backpack gives you something to look forward to for the start of school. as for myself, i get very nervous before school starts. being able to pick out something like a backpack (which serves as an accessory) decreases my anxiety and gives me more power to start the school year with more ambition than the last. so without further ado... MY BACKPACK! hahaha i sound like such a nerd...

pictures courtesy of topodesigns.com



if this backpack or this style backpack interests any of you guys, you can order them online at http://topodesigns.com/

i have to go now because I'm using my sisters computer without asking and she might pop in at any minute... tata for now :)